Playing for Something Bigger than Myself with Ashley Prange
2/6/2023 1:54:00 PM | Softball
Sports are what you do, not who you are.
That's a lesson that took me a considerable amount of time to learn.
It took failure.
Traumatic experiences.
And transferring to a completely different school.
I spent the first three years of my collegiate career playing softball at Ohio State. I transferred to Alabama in May 2021 and now I am a few months away from finishing up my second and final year here.
While I have nothing but positive things to say about Ohio State, I can honestly say that Alabama completely changed my life.
Early on in my career, my entire identity had revolved around my success on the softball field. When I struggled at the plate and in the field with the Buckeyes, I felt like I was disappointing the expectations I had since I committed to OSU in 8th grade. On top of that, dealing with tragic events at Ohio State that deeply impacted my mental health sent me in a downward spiral quickly.
There was a time when I didn't know if I'd ever genuinely smile or laugh again with a ball in my hand. I needed to find my purpose outside of the softball field.
I didn't know it at the time, but Tuscaloosa was waiting for me to discover what I was meant to do in this life, other than swing a bat or play defense at the hot corner.
Early struggles
My freshman season at Ohio State was very eye-opening for me.
I was this highly-touted recruit that committed when I was 13 years old, so expectations were naturally through the roof and, frankly, I didn't live up to a lot of them. Up until this point in my life, being a successful softball player was all I knew. It was as much of my identity as any part of me and I truly let it impact me, which I started to realize wasn't healthy.
I started to separate myself a bit from softball and get to know other people outside of the sport. I eventually began to see there was more to life in college than a .300 batting average. I ended up turning the season around a little though, making the All-Big Ten team and All-Freshman team.
Unfortunately, life was soon about to hit me in ways I was not prepared for.
Life with no meaning
I grew up in a really small town in Indiana with the most loving and amazing family I could ever dream of. This isn't to say we didn't have hardships or challenges, but life was simple in our small town.
In 2020, a girl I was close with on the team attempted suicide. My roommate and I found her that night and spent hours on the scene. It truly flipped my world upside down in ways I didn't know were possible and it introduced me to a word that was foreign to me:
Depression.
I can't emphasize enough how badly I struggled after these experiences, this event being one of three instances during my time at Ohio State. It took everything I had to get out of bed in the mornings. I was lifeless. I felt lost. I was also a team captain, but how could I be a source of positivity and encouragement for my teammates when I couldn't even be that for myself? Needless to say, my performance on the field plummeted…again.
Everything in my life felt like it was falling apart, and I had no idea how to get out of the hole I was in.
Break the cycle
I coped with all of this the best I could, but a pivotal moment came toward the end of my junior season. We were playing at Indiana, and it was one of the first times my friends and family could come watch me play since Covid had hit. One of my teammates from high school plays for Indiana, and it was fun to see her and catch up. We were texting back and forth after the game because I had commented on her walk-up song - “Only Jesus” by Casting Crowns - and I'll never forget what she asked me.
"Are you happy where you are?"
She saw how happy I was being back in my home state and playing in front of my friends and family again, and we both knew it was the happiest I'd been in a long time. She said she didn't know what it was, but it was on her heart to tell me that there was more for me.
That moment planted the seeds. The thought of starting over wasn't super appealing, but I knew I needed a change. I had to break this cycle I was in.
Answered prayers
I knew I only really had two options: transfer or quit softball altogether.
When I decided to transfer, I didn't know where I would be going, but I had a sense of peace about it. I was completely leaving it in God's hands, and I trusted in Him with any move He wanted to make. I prayed for guidance in leading me to a place where I was loved for not just being an athlete, but for who I was off the softball field too. I obviously wanted to be valued as a player but, more importantly, I wanted people to know me for who I was without a bat or glove. I prayed for a platform to use for something bigger than myself, and I prayed for the courage to say “yes” to whatever opportunity would give me those things.
When Alabama started talking to me, I honestly had a difficult time taking them seriously because they seemed so undeniably out of my league. I was going through so much at Ohio State and wasn't exactly playing stellar softball during the end of my time there. Nevertheless, Coach Murphy took an interest in me.
From the instant I stepped off the plane in Tuscaloosa for my official visit, it felt... right. I was greeted with incredible warmth and hugs, and it immediately felt like I was already a part of their family. I'll never forget a conversation I had with Coach while exploring campus. He told me that if I came here, he'd love me on the days I go 0-for-4 in a game just as much if I went 4-for-4. That absolutely floored me.
He saw me as a person that he was going to love and look out for, like a daughter. He didn't see me just as a softball player.
God had directly answered my prayers right then and there.
Murph offered me a scholarship later that evening, and it was the easiest decision of my entire life.
Alabama saved me
I don't think I'll ever be able to thank my teammates and coaches at Alabama enough for everything they've done for me.
They took a very broken girl who was hurting and loved her more than she will ever believe she deserves. A love with no strings attached. They also put joy back into a game that I never thought I could love again. It's no coincidence, then, that I was able to thrive both on and off the field and fall in love with my journey, one that Only Jesus could illustrate.
While I'm sad my time as a student-athlete is coming to an end soon, I couldn't be more grateful to Alabama for taking a chance on me and changing my life. Not only did I rediscover my love for softball again, but I know I have a higher purpose than being a softball player now.
After the experiences I've been through, I feel privileged to have this platform to be an advocate for mental health and suicide awareness. Asking for help is courageous — it's not a weakness — and that's one of the messages I'm hoping to convey through speaking engagements and other projects.
We've gone through a lot of hardships in the softball and athletics community at large in recent times, and I want to do everything I can to help encourage athletes to speak up and ask for help if they need it.
I struggled in silence for too long. Opening up was the first step in my healing process. People in the outside world never knew about the battles I went through, and I know for a fact that many of my peers are fighting their own unseen battles.
There is so much more behind the smiles you see on TV.
As a community, we have to be mindful that athletes have a life outside of sports, and we are 'real people' just like everyone else.
We all need to be more respectful towards the human in the uniform.
